failed acts of hope

i think
if i had the words
i would do advent for those
who are surviving
failed acts of hope

[the aftermath
of the faithed-out apocalypse]

but this is the crisis of faith
for which i have no response
no way forward

no poetry.

i think i thought
that by saying i would live as though
the miracle might happen
– that this was the new shape of my faith –
i would be innoculated against its
vulnerability
and outright failure.

i was so wrong.
and the price is too high.

i still believe the miracle might happen
but i know i can no longer carry
the cost of believing
it will happen for me.